Anatomy of an Inane, Insipid Facebook Comment War

I love my Facebook friends.

The following is the anatomy of your generic inane, insipid Facebook comment war. It's sad, but oh so true. This is what happened on one of my Facebook status updates today:

--

Lydia Brown

6 hours ago via mobile ·

‎~generic political rant status~

5 people like this.

Andrew 1

‎~generic controversial comment that starts a debate~

5 hours ago · Like

Rachel

~generic statement of I hear you and share your angst about whatever it is~

5 hours ago · Like

Alyssa

‎~generic first angry comment about the controversial one~

5 hours ago · Like

Rachel

‎~generic comment about how the previous commenter just seriously pissed me off~

5 hours ago · Like

Alyssa

~generic ad hominem attack at previous commenter over the fact that I pissed them off~

4 hours ago · Like

Rachel

‎~generic plea for civil discourse to previous commenter who launched generic ad hominem attack~

4 hours ago · Like

Alyssa

‎~strangely listens to plea. Now responds with generic 500 word essay explaining point by point why the controversial statement is WRONG.~

4 hours ago · Like

Rachel

‎~tries to read generic 500 word essay but eyes roll back in head and disorientation sets in~

4 hours ago · Like

Alyssa

‎~interprets this as winning~

4 hours ago · Like

Rachel

~issues generic statement that non-engagement is not the same as concession, but suggests that previous commenter is welcome to that illusion if it helps her feel better~

4 hours ago · Like

Andrew 1

‎~generic statement about how disappointed I am with how my statement started a mean argument~

4 hours ago · Like

Andrew 2

‎~generic statement ostensibly agreeing with original post but in fact completely misconstruing and twisting the point ~

4 hours ago via mobile · Like

Rachel

~generic statement attempting to clarify the issue while laboring under the illusion that clear, direct argument will be effective on a Facebook thread~

4 hours ago · Like

Sarah ‎

~generic random comment completely unrelated to the post~

3 hours ago · Like

Alyssa ‎

~explanation of why misconstrued post is also wrong, again as 500 word essay~

3 hours ago · Like

Rachel

~generic expression of guilt that I should be reading a 500 word essay but just.... can't~

3 hours ago · Like

Andrew 2

‎~generic statement vainly trying to process clarification while demonstrating various flavors of gross insensitivity to the nuanced subtext of the political perspective, probably occasioned by over-reliance on news spin from a specific cable network~

3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Rachel ‎

~generic statement of profanity at mention of specific cable network, followed by generic apology to Lydia for generic statement of profanity~

3 hours ago · Like

Alyssa

‎~500 word rant about why said cable network is HORRIBLE, probably including ad hominem attack towards anyone who watches it~

3 hours ago · Like

Andrew 2

‎~generic statement perhaps attempting to backpedal out of untenable position but ultimately flailing about with half-baked bromides that writer wishes were viable intellectual positions, in the process further demonstrating ignorance, unexamined privilege, and entrenched insensitivity~

3 hours ago via mobile · Like

Kelly

‎~generic interjection of sympathy, including religious statement and blessing, and disregarding all other comments.~

23 minutes ago · Like

Erin

‎~generic random and totally unrelated comment intended to elicit an amused response~

6 minutes ago via mobile · Like

Kelly ‎

~generic acknowledgement of being amused by the above comment.~

2 minutes ago · Like

Alyssa

‎~generic expression of anger about the derailing~

A few seconds ago · Like