13 April 2013

TEH EEBIL AUTIZMS

(Note: The following is sarcastic overdramatization of ableism. It is trigger warned for those who may be triggered by even sarcastic renderings of incredibly ableist ideas.)

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Conversations that Shain Neumeier and I have (posted with permission!):

Me: YOU MEAN PERSON WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE AUTISM

Shain: PERSON WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING DIAGNOSED WITH A LABEL OF AUTISM

Me: PERSON WHO /UNFORTUNATELY/ HAPPENS TO HAVE THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING DIAGNOSED WITH A LABEL OF AUTISM

Shain: TRAAAAAGICALLYYYYYYYY

Me: DEEEEEVAAAASTATINGLYYYYYY
(for the families, AFFLICTED WITH THE UNHOLY BURDEN OF CARING FOR A CHILD WHO HAPPENS...)

Shain: TSUNAMICALLY. (IF THAT ISN'T A WORD YET IT IS NOW. BECUZ TEH AUTIZMZ)

Me: ERMERGERD SER SCEREHR

Shain: IT'S LIKE THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AND THE GAY AGENDA COMBINED. THE SOULLESS HUSKS ARE CONTAGIOUS AND STEALING OUR CHIIIIIIIIIILLLDREEEEENN

Me: EEEEMMMPTYYYYY SSOOOOOOULLEEESSSSSS HUSSSSKSSSS
LOCKING OUR CHILDREN INSIDE THEMSELVES
DOOMED TO BE FOREVER ALONE
THEIR POOR, PITIABLE PARENTS DESTINED NEVER TO MAKE HUMAN CONTACT WITH THESE INHUMAN CREATURES

Shain: THEY CAN'T EVEN TELL THEIR PARENTS THEY LOVE THEM. THROUGH, YOU KNOW, REAL PEOPLE MEANS. LIKE TALKING. BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY REAL WAY OF COMMUNICATION.
AND THEY TOE WALK
TOE WALK I TELL YOU
OH THE HUGE-MANATEE

Me: AND THEY FLAP THEIR HANDS AND ARMS
IT'S SO HORRIFYING
THEIR POOR FAMILIES CAN NEVER GO OUT IN PUBLIC

Shain: AND THEY WON'T MAKE EYE CONTACT THAT WOULD REVEAL THEIR TRUE SOULLESSNESS.

Me: OOHHH IDEA!

Shain: OH?

Me: MAYBE IF WE SHOCK/RESTRAIN/SECLUDE/CHELATE/HYPERBARIC OXYGEN CHAMBERIZE/UNVACCINATE/EXCORCISE/SCREAM AT/QUIET HANDS THEM ENOUGH, THEY'LL START TO SEEM LIKE /REEEEAAALLL/ PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!

Shain: YOU FORGOT BLEACH ENEMAS.

Me: OH NOEZ! NOW I CAN'T RID MY CHILD OF THIS EPIDEMIC!

Shain: THERE IS HOPE IF YOU STOP THE SPREAD OF THE EVIL VACCIIIIINEEEEZ
ONLY ONCE THE WORLD IS FULL OF SMALLPOX AND RUBELLA AND WHOOPING COUGH ONCE MORE WILL WE BE RID OF THE PLAGUE THAT IS AUTISM

Me: THE HORRIFIC, TRAGIC PLAAAAAGUE

Shain: THAT'S CAUSED BY POLLUTION AND THE INTERNET EXCEPT MOSTLY VACCINES.

Me: AND A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACYYYYYYY

Shain: WITH THE EEEEEBIL PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIIIIEEEEZ
EXCEPT WE LOVE IT WHEN THEY GIVE OUR KIDS RISPERDAL
IT MAKES THEM SLIGHTLY MORE LIKE PEOPLE.

Me: AND OTHER PSYCHOTROPIC, ANTI-PSYCHOTIC DRUGS

Shain: EXCEPT SHOCKING THEM IS BETTER. AND THOSE ARE THE ONLY OPTIONS, EVER.

Me: BETTER IDEA.

Shain: WHAT

Me: HOW ABOUT WE PUT THEM ON ANTI-PSYCHOTICS /WHILE/ SHOCKING THEM?!?!

Shain: THAT WAY WE ELIMINATE ALL THE BEHAVIORS. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW PEOPLE WORK. YOU MINDFUCK THEM AND TORTURE THEM AND THEY DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD.

Me: YOU CAN HOLD UP A REMOTE CONTROL AND THEY'LL ACT LIKE HUMANS.
IT'S SO CONVENIENT.

Shain: BECAUSE HUMANS ARE REMOTE OPERATED. I BOUGHT MINE AT RADIOSHACK

Me: I BOUGHT MINE AT BEST BUY.

Shain: THIS ONE'S DEFECTIVE THOUGH. AND I'D RATHER KILL IT THAN SEE IT CLOSE ITS EYES FOR TEN SECO- I MEAN, HIT ITS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL REPEATEDLY TILL IT NEEDS HOSPITALIZATION. FATE WORSE THAN DEATH I SAY.

Me: IT SHOULDN'T BE SUFFERED TO LIVE ANY LONGER

Shain: UNLESS IT'S BEING SHOCKED AND RESTRAINED.

Me: AND THEN, IT SHOULD BE GRATEFUL YOU CARE SO MUCH.

Shain: BECAUSE OTHERWISE IT WOULD BE OFF IN SOME BACK WARD. IT'S NOT LIKE WE COULD ACTUALLY EVER TRY TO LEARN FROM ITS BIZARRE NOISES AND MOVEMENTS AS TO WHAT IT NEEDS.

Me: WHO ARE YOU KIDDING; WE ALL KNOW THOSE ARE THE EEBIL AUTIZMS

Shain: YOU'RE NOT SHOCKING A PERSON. YOU'RE SHOCKING AN AUTISM.

Me: AN AUTIZMS

Shain: YOU ARE HELPING TO DEFEAT TEH AUTIZMS.

7 comments:

  1. You can almost cut the sarcasm with a knife :)

    I love Huge Manatee. I used to be really good at it, but now I suck.

    I appreciate the humor and the sarcasm, but if you expect people to not make broad generalizations about autistic people, you probably shouldn't lump all parents of autistic kids together either. Just saying. This is one parent who loves her hand flapping vocalizing obsessed with ceiling fans gentle intelligent loving talented son just the way he his, thank you very much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Chickenpig, I would hope that it would be obvious from my Disability Resources page and other places on this blog that I certainly don't think of "parents" as a homogenous group. This conversation was a satire of particular types of parents, who are unfortunately common, not a criticism of Every Parent Ever.

      Delete
    2. @ Chickenpig: As Lydia says, this post doesn't seem to be a criticism of every parent of Autistic people, only those who are of the type to swallow the tripe Autism $peaks feeds them.

      Delete
  2. But, hey, everyone can all relax because I was told this wasn't really a thing. I just thought it was because I read too much. The world is actually all sunshine and roses for autistic people.

    Okay, now that I'm done being sarcastic I will say that I loved this post.

    Signed,

    A Parent Who Refuses to Allow Her Beautiful Child to be Dehumanized

    ReplyDelete
  3. It is worth noting, that in effect, many parents of children are on a "Broader Autism Phenotype"; the same one that is shared by many of those criticizing "certain types" of parents.

    When all is said and done, when one looks in the mirror at the end of the day, it is often a similar type of child, that is looking back at the parent, in essence of what it means to be on a spectrum.

    That evidence is clear in the words I see here.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You guys are awesome.

    I read this in class (don't judge me) and it was so hard not to laugh out loud
    Because "teh autizmz"

    - M.K.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Me: MAYBE IF WE SHOCK/RESTRAIN/SECLUDE/CHELATE/HYPERBARIC OXYGEN CHAMBERIZE/UNVACCINATE/EXCORCISE/SCREAM AT/QUIET HANDS THEM ENOUGH, THEY'LL START TO SEEM LIKE /REEEEAAALLL/ PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!
    Okay, you can unvaccinate me the day you can remove the flour from a Victoria sponge. LOL!

    ReplyDelete

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